By Bronte Maddaford
“I asked him why he hit his brother, and all he said was, ‘I don’t know!’” If you’ve ever found yourself asking your child, “Why did you do that?” only to be met with a shrug, tears, or the frustrating response of “I don’t know,” you’re certainly not alone. Many children genuinely don’t know why they behaved the way they did.
As adults, we often assume children think through their choices the same way we do. But a child’s brain is still developing. The parts of the brain responsible for planning, reasoning, impulse control, and self-reflection continue developing well into early adulthood. Young children, in particular, are far more likely to react to what they are feeling than to carefully consider the consequences of what they are doing.
Behaviour is often the result of a child feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, anxious, disappointed, excited, tired, hungry, jealous, or simply unable to manage a big emotion. Sometimes they are seeking connection. Sometimes they are protecting themselves. Sometimes they are experimenting with the world around them. Very rarely do they stop and think, “I’m going to make a poor choice today.”
When children become emotionally overwhelmed, they move into a state of reacting rather than reasoning. Asking them to explain their behaviour in that moment is often asking them to do something their brain simply isn’t capable of doing. This is why many children repeatedly answer, “I don’t know,” which is often an honest reflection of their inability to understand and explain what happened.
Rather than focusing on why your child behaved that way, it can be far more helpful to become curious about what was happening for them.
Instead of asking, “Why did you do that?”
Try asking: “I wonder what was happening for you just before that happened?”
“Were you feeling really cross, worried or disappointed?”
“What made today feel tricky?”
“How can I help you next time?”
These questions help children begin connecting their feelings with their behaviour. Over time, this builds emotional awareness and gives them the language they need to express themselves without acting out.
Remember, all behaviour has meaning. Your child is trying to tell you something when they don’t yet have the words to explain it.
How Play Therapy Can Help
Kids Talk Play Therapy understands that children often communicate their thoughts, worries, and emotions through play before they can express them in words. Play provides a safe and natural way for children to process difficult experiences, explore big feelings, and make sense of their world.
Our goal isn’t to create children who simply behave better, but rather to have them understand and like themselves better.
When children understand and like themselves, positive behaviour naturally follows.
