By Dr May Chi – Clinical Psychologist

I was once an excellent child psychologist. Nothing pleased me more than applying behavioural strategies and seeing improvements in client outcome measures. And then, one day, everything changed. 

I remember when it happened.  It was when my daughter lay down in the middle of a busy shopping centre and screamed non-stop.  I had done everything right. Proactively planned the outing. Clear, simple rules.  I tried tactical ignoring. I tried problem-solving. I tried bribes. I even tried fear (“Cia, I’m leaving now…!”).  Failure in full public view.  How could I work in this town as a child psychologist ever again?!

I used to get offended when parents asked me, ‘Do you have kids?’  Now I understand the question they really want to ask me.  Do you ever lose it with your child? Are you scared because you like the power a little bit too much?  Do you struggle to feel close and loving?  Are you scared you’ll spoil them by loving them too much? Does it break your heart, too?  Are you tougher on them sometimes because of your own fear? Will everything be ok? 

Each parent-child relationship moment is unique. It depends on the parent, child, and situation.  My blood freezes when my husband tosses our children up in the air, but this is the unique trust between dad and daughters.  The sound of their laughter, along with the ‘do it again, dad, ” tells me that there is love and security there.  He is equally on edge when I encourage the girls to climb and jump, as long as they have a good rationale and demonstrate situational awareness.  There’s actually no ‘correct’ topographical way to be a parent. I wish I had known this in my earlier years of practice.  I would have focused on the relationship first.  That’s what the parents were really asking of me.  

A secure attachment is a predictor of all sorts of good health and well-being outcomes. It is by no means a panacea, but perhaps it is like a protective force field from many physical, mental, and relationship harms.  Secure attachments form in caring relationships that create a positive sense of self, a positive sense of others, and a positive sense of the world.  We help children by first nurturing and then guiding them. It boils down to contemplating two questions: ‘What do I do that helps my child feel safe to grow?’ and ‘from this base of relationship safety, what can I help them learn?’.

Another question I often get: ‘May, have I messed it up?’. The great thing about children is that their love knows no bounds.  They want to feel secure. They don’t stop giving you chances to help them.  There are many opportunities to approach, care, and repair. Secure attachment isn’t make-or-break. It’s moment-to-moment. 

I’m not the child psychologist I once was. There’s no going back to those clear behavioural outcomes I used to get. That’s ok. I think this is better.